Drama Queen

From Jeannette: Sorry we did not write a blog yesterday, because we were too tired. We were supposed to stay one week at the Clinic and two weeks at a nearby guest house (an apartment within someone’s home), but we have stayed two weeks at the Clinic. So yesterday, we found a guest house where we will move in today for our last week here. We can walk a few blocks to the Clinic and spend the whole day there.

So I walked into the treatment room early morning yesterday and my oncologist without turning around says “I hear Ms. Wang is here, I can hear her special shuffle walk”. Oh my, I just notice I do not pick up my feet when I walk, I shuffle like I have bound feet. Let me tell you about my oncologist Dr, Jacob (pronounced Yakov). She is the most optimistic wonderful fraulien doctor you will ever meet. Prof. Dr. Vogl in Frankfurt has given up on me - he just wrote palliative care, but Dr. Jacob does not take no for an answer. She puts me on this cocktail of antibodies, chemo and vitamins, and all sorts of other stuff to boost my immune system and T cell etc…. For six months, let my body do the work she says. If Dr Jacob does not give up on her patients, how can her patients give up on themselves? Every morning she greets her patients, goes through what needs to be done for the day and then sees you again every night…we are her children. I have no idea what she gave me today but I cannot stop sneezing, so she looks at me and says “for sure (somehow all Germans we met love that expression), you are allergic to zomething”. Without a smile, I looked into her eyes and respond, “for sure I am allergic to oncologists”. She stared at me a moment and breaks out in her hearty laugh,, “hahaha for sure you are funny” and I am thinking for sure I was not kidding.

Today the nurse Dennis (the menace) called me a drama queen; he said he will miss my drama. DRAMA MOI? Umm, got me thinking, then I realize why I was nicknamed so. There is only one patient that is younger than I am, M is 28, he is the only one that goes to the bathroom as much as I do. I do not know why the other patients after they have been infused with 10 liters of solution still stayed in their seat, while me and him we go every half an hour, and I proudly told him so. Alan reminded me gently that a YOUNG man does not particularly like to be informed that he goes to the bathroom as much as a middle age woman who has given birth to 3 children.. Oops my bad. Well M ,… he is so young he does not walk, he struts like a peacock, with one hand he holds up his apparatus with the fusion and walks with his chest out like “I am a man hear me roar attitude”. I love it; when I go anywhere, I hang on to the apparatus like it is a life support system. Well M never complains as he has the youthful attitude of invincibility. His family comes and supports him all the time; he reminds me of my sons, at that age young men should all strut. We met so many nice people here, all the patients are older and stage IV but have such positive and sweet attitudes, no one is bitchy or mean, no one ever complains why me? They have been with Dr, Jacob for months or years; most of them were told they have no hope, only she made sure they can stay as long as they can. I think most of them are used to the pain and are either resigned to it or sometimes are in a catatonic state. I am in between the land of the invincible and the catatonic hence the drama. I am young enough to be in shock at every muscle change, but old enough to realize that I am not invincible. So everyday I shuffle to my seat, oh and ahs about the bone pain, the bleeding nose, the nausea the headache and smile doing it as it is almost like a treasured tradition. It means I am alive enough to feel pain…..

I am glad Frances reminds me that I have a lot to live for, so I will concentrate on how to live not worry about how to die, so when I come back, I am going to do all the things I love to do like play in poker tournaments, sing Karoake with Pei, have a wonderful Christmas with my children, visit many countries I haven’t been to, write my book. I truly love all your comments… it makes my heart sing …I pray for M, and many others. Lawrence, if you are reading this, know that the rosary beads you gave me have been used a lot……